Football and humour go hand-in-hand like a striker and an open goal – sometimes it’s perfect, sometimes it’s hilarious chaos. Whether you’re a diehard fan glued to the screen every weekend or someone who thinks “offside” is a type of salad dressing, you’ll find something here to make you laugh, snort or groan with glee.
These are the best football jokes doing the rounds – the puns, one liners and full-on howlers that prove the beautiful game isn’t just about trophies and tantrums. It’s about laughing through the heartbreak of a last-minute goal, or even the pain of supporting Everton.
So sit back, pop open a pint, and prepare to laugh your boots off. Whether you’re playing Football Manager or just watching your team decline in real life, this article’s worth every second of your 90 minutes.
Why Are Funny Football Jokes So Popular In The UK?
In the UK, where football borders on religion, jokes are the way we survive. Between rain-soaked terraces, missed penalties, and VAR catastrophes, British humour steps in like a super sub with a point to prove.
Fans are known for their obsession with football, but also for not taking it too seriously, especially when their team starts the season well with three wins and a draw, only to fall apart by Christmas. The jokes aren’t just banter – they’re therapy for the soul.
What Are The Funniest Football Jokes Ever Told?
Let’s kick off with some of the funniest football jokes ever told. You’ve probably heard them chanted from the stands or mumbled in the pub after your team gets thumped 4-0 by Luton.
“Why did the footballer bring string to the match?”
To tie the score!
“I started playing Football Manager last night.
Now I’ve declined the offer to hang out with my mates, sacked my virtual assistant, and have a poor squad who keep handling the ball. Just like the real England team.”
“I saw a man at the World Cup with tickets on his car dashboard the other day. When he came back, someone smashed the window and left two more.”
“My mate said he’s happy living in the shadows.”
Must be an Everton fan.
Got Any Classic One Liners For Football Fans?
Absolutely. When it comes to funny football jokes, nothing beats a solid one-liner. They hit faster than a Sunday League centre-back after six pints.
I told my girlfriend, “It’s either me or football.” We still text sometimes.
I’ve got more chance of seeing the invisible man at the World Cup finals than Newcastle lifting the Premier League trophy.
What’s the difference between the invisible man and England in a penalty shootout?
You’ve got more chance of seeing the invisible man.
What Do You Call A Generator Who Loves Football?
A power fan.
Alright, that one’s terrible – but it does prove you don’t need to be a South American footballer or have a FIFA licence to crack a good joke. Whether you’re playing Football Manager or doing a quiz on 2006 World Cup scorers, there’s always room for one more laugh.
Why Did The Referee Say To The South…?
It’s not the start of a philosophy lesson – it’s a set-up for a very niche gag.
What did the referee say to the South American footballer after three yellow cards?
“Don’t Bolivia – you’re off.”
(We’ll see ourselves out. But not before VAR double-checks it.)
How Many Football Fans Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Now we’re getting to the old school classics. The sort of jokes you hear when the team you support is stuck mid-table with a poor squad.
How many football fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None – they just stand in the dark and talk about how great things were under the last manager when I was offered the job out of the blue.
Or, if you’re an Everton fan, just wait until it’s replaced by something from Poundland.
What’s The Funniest Joke Involving A Fan Rolling Down A Hill?
An underrated one, but a classic. Usually spotted in online joke generators or overheard at the pub.
I once saw a fan rolling down a hill after a last-minute own goal. He got up, brushed himself off, and shouted, “That’s still not the worst thing I’ve seen this season.”
What Happens When You Mix Football And Relationships?
Relationships and football are a risky combo – much like hiring Sam Allardyce in a relegation battle.
“I once said to my wife: ‘It’s either me or football.’
She paused, smiled, and said, ‘Okay – you’ll always be second anyway.’”
“You’re in the pub with your mates, the game’s on, and your partner texts: ‘We need to talk.’
You text back: ‘VAR is reviewing it.’”
Can Football Quizzes Be Funnier Than The Matches?
In many cases, yes – especially when your team’s playing like they’ve been recruited from the local five-a-side. Some of the best football jokes around come from failed quiz answers:
Quiz host: “Which country won the 1986 World Cup?”
Contestant: “Was it Manchester United?”
It’s enough to make even FIFA cry.
Why Did Someone Smash The Window And Leave Two?
Now this one’s a tale of tragedy and comedy in equal parts.
I left two tickets on his car dashboard the other day. When I came back, someone smashed the window and left four more and a note that said, “Try giving them away now.”
That’s the thing with football fans. They might be loyal, but they know when their team is in absolute freefall.
Who Really Started The Season Well With Three Wins And A Draw?
We’ve all seen it – that moment of hope at the beginning of the season where your team looks invincible… only to crumble faster than a dodgy meat pie at half-time.
Team A started the season well with three wins and a draw.
By October, their manager had been sacked, two players had been arrested, and the club had announced a new sponsorship deal with a local funeral parlour.
Why Football Jokes Will Never Die
Here’s the thing: football jokes are timeless. As long as there’s a missed sitter, a dodgy VAR decision, or a manager with all the charisma of a damp sponge, there’ll be gags flying around terraces and WhatsApp groups.
Even in the serious world of football betting, you’ll find a fan cracking wise about how his team “really should’ve won that – if they hadn’t forgotten how to kick a ball.”
Football and humour go hand-in-hand because the game is mad. Gloriously, wonderfully mad. From England bottling the World Cup to a footballer diving like he’s been shot by a sniper in row Z, it’s comedy gold.
Bullet Point Summary – Remember These Crackers:
- Football jokes are essential therapy for long-suffering fans.
- Best gags mix one liners, puns, and pub-style banter.
- Never forget the man at the World Cup with two spare tickets on his car dashboard.
- VAR, Everton, and England’s World Cup finals record remain rich targets for satire.
- Playing Football Manager can lead to a social life collapse and a poor squad.
- You’ve got more chance of seeing the invisible man than Newcastle topping the table.
- When someone smashed the window and left more tickets, that was a mercy, not a crime.
- Funniest football jokes come from real-life disasters… usually in the last 10 minutes.
- Football fans know how to laugh – even if their team doesn’t win.
- And remember, either me or football… always ends the same way.
